Phantom Fat

An interesting article here: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/31489881/ns/health-womens_health/ on a phenomenon called 'phantom fat'. Me, I'm more likely to suffer from phantom thinness, a condition where you really believe you can still fit into that piece of clothing until you actually try it on.

 

The Amazing Egg

Last night I realized around 9:30 pm (with my 10 pm bedtime looming) that I had no protein ready for breakfast or lunch today. It would take 20 minutes just to heat my oven to roast something, so I looked inside the fridge and hey! Eggs! So I boiled up half a dozen, then plunged them into ice water (to cool them down without getting that gray ring around the yolk) and finally tucked them in the fridge.

Of course, I didn't put them away till after I had eaten the one that was too cracked from cooking to save. Okay, feeble excuse. But ohhhhh, it was so good. I didn't appreciate eggs as much in my earlier years, but they are so rich! As I was inhaling the one last night, I was reminded of the fact that eggs are intended to sustain a new life until it hatches out of the shell, and so the yolk is a very dense source of nutrients...for chickens, anyhow.

I made myself breakfast and lunch while they were cooking, and this morning I just need to slice my portion (two eggs) and add it to my lunchtime salad. If I don't stray off my diet with things like pita chips and profiteroles, I will be nicely on track today. Moving forward!

Interview Eating

Can "interview eating" be considered a category of why we eat the wrong things? I vote Yes. And as you may already have guessed, this is not a random suggestion on my part!

Actually, the interview went quite well. I was not enthused about the job before I went, as it seemed like the same old, same old, and it is another mat leave position, meaning I will be job-hunting again in a year's time. But worse - I felt like a complete dork in my interview clothes.

I purchased an inexpensive outfit at Great Canadian Superstore yesterday (where you can't try things on), since I had no skirts that fit me properly that I could wear with the one blazer that still fits me and my white blouses were all heavy, long-sleeved beasts that would have had me wilting in our sunny weather. So for $51, I acquired a pretty white short-sleeved blouse, a white cami to go underneath it since the blouse was a bit sheer, and a periwinkle blue silk skirt. I thought the skirt would look particularly elegant, despite my avoirdupois, as it had some very large pleats that I expected would make it hang gracefully under a blazer and look somewhat tailored.

Wrong, wrong, wrong. The pleats made it balloon out so that I looked about 30 pounds fatter than I am, not to mention that it simply hung wrongly, as if I have no clue how to dress myself. And - special bonus! - almost every time I washed my hands I managed to splash a few drops of water on the skirt. The silk skirt. Ayup. Polyester could care less if it gets wet. Silk is not so forgiving.

The good news is, once I put my blazer over top, the skirt was forced to lie down in submission, and the dried water spots weren't particularly evident in its folds. Of course, I could have done without the center seam of my pantyhose bursting open when I bent over, but that didn't show either. Rule #1 of being interviewed - don't act like you know there's something wrong with your attire. If you don't look, they won't either. (Of course if you have spilled a huge cup of coffee on yourself or somesuch, you are better off to apologize with a joke and then quickly move on.)

Even better news, the interview went well! I actually changed my mind about the job. Very nice bosses, and the work would have lots of variety and new things to learn. I have sent my follow-up emails and now just have to hold my breath for two weeks! It did go very well, but you never know who your competition is. True, they can't beat perfection (joking...) but maybe someone came in without water spots on their skirt!

Anyhow, I subsequently returned to the office. I had had a snack before I left, since a growling tummy can be most embarrassing in an interview, and had to choke down salad greens and chicken breast for lunch. After that, the adrenalin crash really caught up with me, and I felt distinctly wilted. So I ate a bag of salt and vinegar pita chips, mostly because the vending machine was sold out of potato chips. Baked Lays my fat arse. They're like eating soy cheese, a product so disgusting in flavour and texture that you would really rather go without.

Then I went to a colleague's birthday celebration, where mini-profiteroles were on offer. Oh my goat. I ate one that was covered in white chocolate, thinking it was like a Timbit, and it had the most delectable coffee-cream filling you can imagine. I wanted to eat the entire platter. I stopped at one, but I have to admit that was because I was afraid the filling was real cream and I would be sprinting to the Ladies later. Diarrhea trumps willpower every time.

But now what the heck do I eat for dinner? I think I have used up all my protein, carbs, fat and dairy portions for the day (plus 10% bonus calories for junk food). I suppose I will need to add in exercise if I want to have a hope of losing any weight this week, since eating salad mixed with salad and topped with salad is like...eating Baked Lays.

I will do better tomorrow, though. I must.

Hectic

I have had a very busy weekend and have fallen behind on my blogging. My bad!

However, I did find time to weigh myself yesterday. 205 pounds. Sigh. Note to self: the calories don't care what your excuse is for eating that.

The good news is, I went walking for an hour in the rain last night. It was a wonderfully destressing walk, filled with beautiful greenery and delightful fragrances. I'll go again tonight if it clouds over. I have a job interview tomorrow, though, and don't want to show up all sunburned and covered in heat rash.

Well, off to iron my blouse, polish my shoes, etc. And this week I will observe my diet more strictly...because I don't want my scale going in the wrong direction again next Saturday.

The Reason Rabbits Have Short Lives

...Is that they eat rabbit food every day. Gahhhhh. How can people stand to eat a daily salad? It doesn't matter how I dress it or what tasty tidbits I add; I still have to gag down my leafy greens every time. I think I am going to have to start inventing my own lettuce-free salads.

 

Yes, Well

I know better than to buy popcorn, because if it is at home I will eat it. So what did I do Sunday? Buy popcorn. What have I done every day since? Eat popcorn. *smacks self on forehead*

 

Other than that, though, yesterday went well. I stuck to my diet, though I didn't quite get in all my veg, and I did some bustling around cleaning and tidying after work. It may not sound like much exercise, but it has to be better than being an Olympic-calibre couch potato. But Saturday, when I weigh myself, will tell me how well I really did.

 

I have been toying with the idea of losing this weight to be more attractive to men (another version of the AQ: Attractiveness Quotient). Raising my AQ for this reason, however, does beg the question as to whether or not I want to attract men to me in the first place. Having an actual target in mind does make it easier, I concede - that whole "I want to look great naked" motivation! But there is no one at present and I am focused on other goals. Losing weight does fit in with those other goals, of course. But I still remember taking up cross-country running in Grade 12 and being able to run 3 miles at lunch, returning to school still ready to roll. I did it because the guy I had a huge crush on, who went to a different school, also ran, and I wanted to be able to join him somehow, some way, eeeeever so casually, next time I got a chance.

 

Never happened, of course. But I was So Fit. I have never been that fit before or since. I still think about taking up running again, even now, but I need to find a good trail first. No running on concrete and asphalt for me, thanks.

 

Neeed Sleeeeeep

I slept badly last night (worrying) and am quite tired this morning. I suspect that means my willpower will be lower than usual - it seems easy to justify a "treat" for my poor fatigued body! I did well yesterday, though, or at least in a sense I did, since I didn't get down all my dairy or vegetables. I did do a nice whack of brisk cleaning. So maybe 7 out of 10 for healthy eating (popcorn in the evening, tsk, and I suspect I went over on protein), but 9 out of 10 for calories out versus calories in.

 

Good coffee is definitely helping, though! Never mind what the diet gurus say about giving up coffee; they will prise my coffee cup from my cold, dead fingers. Especially on a day like today. Caffeine is not a substitute for sleep but it can provide the feeling that one has had an hour or two more sleep than one actually has.

 

Anyhow, weight loss ties in nicely with my long-term goals, but also with my short-term ones. I am job-hunting and my interview suits are distinctly snug. That will change as time goes on, which is all to the good. I hope to find a permanent position but may end up taking another maternity leave coverage position to keep my foot in the door. Regardless, I want to present a more svelte figure at work. Fair or not, we are judged by our appearance, which I know personally from my time on the skinny side of the fence. I need to boost my AQ - Appearance Quotient!

 

Right, time to get going with a sleepy but caffeinated day at work. Willpower...must use willpower....

 

Starting Again

I did almost everything wrong last week as far as my diet went - eating the wrong foods, eating too much food, not getting in my fruits and veggies every day, and just to top it all off I didn't exercise once. Tsk tsk.

 

However, by trying to moderate my food intake somewhat, I still managed to lose a pound. Down to 204 pounds, which still isn't slim by any stretch but feels better than 208!

 

So I have decided that this week becomes my "do-over". I am starting again with every intention of eating the right foods in the right amount, and abstaining from the wrong foods. And yes, getting in some exercise, too! I am determined to feel better this week.

 

I did realize this weekend that I was feeling rather thyroid-ish, so much of the problem may have been due to reducing my coffee intake, since caffeine is a thyroid stimulant. I bought more coffee yesterday, and my fingers are crossed! I am happily drinking a mug of it right now. I will spare you the details but it's amazing how many things go wrong in your body when your thyroid levels are low. In fact, that was what clued me in, having so many different kinds of unwellness going on at once. And that includes the depression.

 

So! Gird the loins and fortify the metaphors, world, because it's upwards and onwards - or should that be downwards and onwards?! - for Laura On A Diet.

 

Puzzled

Last week I felt confident and happy, ready to get out into the world and kick some tush. But somehow, over the weekend, I fell with a crash, and now I am struggling to get back into that space.

 

You know what that means, don't you? I also fell off my diet with a crash. Well, not as badly as I might have, but I did eat pizza. Twice. And overindulge in protein and underindulge in fruits and veggies. And I haven't been able to convince myself to go out and exercise. And I'm not sleeping very well, either. And get this - I don't even feel like eating at all most of the time.

 

The thing that has me puzzled is, I don't know why. Is it the job-hunt and its appellate fear of being unemployed and broke? But I've been asked to come in for an interview, which should surely have lifted my spirits. I wonder if it is something physical. I remember becoming very depressed from eating wheat, back when I had a wheat intolerance. I thought the intolerance was gone, but it will do me no harm to try cutting it out of my diet for a few days. I did have a very strong intolerance reaction to one pizza and I don't know to what, and I'm sure that didn't help matters.

 

I've spent the past few years slowly coming closer and closer to happiness, taking the steps necessary to feel relaxed and content in my life. I recognize the difference between "I want to fix this" and "I'm depressed and can't be bothered." I am presently in the second state. But I refuse to stay in it!

 

And being overweight makes me feel depressed too. So even though I would rather eat whatever comes to hand when hunger forces me to shove something down to shut my body up, I will do my best to persevere with my diet. Quite apart from anything else I am sure I need the vitamins! Gotta get those B vitamins in to help lift my mood.

 

I knew I indulged in stress eating and comfort eating before. Now I think I must add a third category, that of depressed eating. Do other people eat that way too? Somebody out there must. I can't be the only one on the planet.

 

Perception

Am I the only one who looks at herself in the mirror, and thinks she looks thinner one day and then the next that she looks fatter than ever? Am I really fluctuating that much - due to dehydration, say - or is this just a milder form of body distortion?

 

This is why I refuse to keep hopping on and off the scales. I remember back in Calgary, one time, I weighed myself one night, went to sleep, got up and peed - and had gained two pounds. That seems physically impossible. Nonetheless, that is why I weigh myself once a week on Saturday. This can't be done moment to moment. I would go nuts.

 

A Sluggish Weekend

Well, it is 4 pm on a Sunday afternoon, and so far the only thing I have accomplished this weekend out of all my virtuous plans is to buy some essential groceries. However, you will no doubt be pleased to hear that I have made considerable advancements in my FaceBook games. Sigh.

I wonder if my swimming suit still fits me? Probably in the same sausage-skin way as the rest of my wardrobe. But I can stay wrapped in a towel till I'm in the pool, and trust that the wavering effect of the water will camouflage the worst of the failure to cover all my fat.

I'm trying not to beat myself up over this. I'm usually wound pretty tightly, and that is still true at present. I was feeling relaxed until a colleague pointed out the increasing scarcity of jobs to me. I don't dispute that, but I was working on it. However, she said I should take any job I could get at whatever hourly rate to stay in my organization, as a foot in the door. I felt that this would leave me unable to pay my rent, given that the best job opening I saw was $4.50 less per hour than I make now. This is the kind of thing that makes me want to gorge myself on Church's Chicken.

Anyhow, I have had a rather escapist weekend, trying to avoid feelings of screaming panic. Thinking that I may become poor and unable to afford food tends to make me want to stockpile groceries and eat everything in sight, just to prove to myself that I can still afford to eat! But I hope that returning to the focus and discipline of my project at work will also help me maintain focus and discipline with regard to finding a new position in the fall.

I will cope, never fear. I am just trying to cope without using food for comfort.

Doin' The Happy Dance

I just weighed myself for the first time since last week, because I promised myself I would not start obsessing about my weight every time I ate something verboten.

205 pounds. Yes! I've lost three pounds! I RAWWWWWWWK!

...And, having just whipped out my measuring tape, I will bravely - no I won't, I was typing those words and I completely chickened out! I am still horrified at the size of my "apple." However, I will post this: I measured 7 points where I notice fat tends to hang out, smoking crack or whatever it is fat does when chillin' with its homies. There has been some change:

Cup: one inch less, though that may simply be due to getting my period (ladies, you know what I'm talking about...)
Chest band: half an inch less
Waist: no change
Belly: inch and a half less
Bum: no change
Top of thigh: one inch less
Right bicep: no change

I also noticed that I cramped far less this menstrual cycle. I doubt that's connected to weight loss but it may well have been affected by eating a better diet.

It would also be great if I could eliminate the slight swelling in my ankles I get from time to time - is it water retention, is it from wearing heels, is it from sitting too long? All of the above, perhaps. I did consume more salt around the beginning of my cycle, but I've also been sitting for extended periods at my desk as I work on a very absorbing project.

As a sidenote, we know that mental exertion burns calories and can make you tired, and I have certainly come home from work tired in a good way every night this week. Mind you, I have also done some form of exercise every day, but the fatigue doesn't feel muscular. I would have guessed I'd only lose about two pounds this week, so perhaps I did burn off some calories through focusing very hard on the task at hand.

My diet buddy and I sat out on the patio at work yesterday to eat our lunch, and she and I both agreed that eating less meat is the hardest part about losing weight. I did have what I called a "moral victory" Thursday night, when I stopped eating my pork butt steak partway through and put it away, but it's tough for carnivores like us to cut back on eating our natural prey. I've had vegans tell me that if I had to slaughter my own animals, I would stop eating meat, and they are so wrong.

However, if I have to eat less protein in order to lose weight, so be it. I can't argue with the clear message conveyed by my weight gain: too many calories going in and not enough being burned off. I'm finding that I am not as hungry as I was when I began the diet, but I still get cravings. At least now I can recite my new mantra to myself: Three pounds. Three pounds. Three pounds....

Exercise

I swear it's a workout just getting my clean jeans ZIPPED! Argh.

 

Wishing I Still Loved My Jeans

I blistered my feet the other day, walking at lunch with my colleague. I wore mules yesterday, which helped my heels but did no good at all for the blister on my little toe. But today is jeans day, so I will be wearing sweatsocks and runners and giving my poor feet a break.

 

I used to love jeans day. In fact I remember my mother asking me one time when I was a lithe teenager, didn't I find tight jeans uncomfortable? No, I said, they felt comforting going on. And they did, just like a pair of slippers or shoes that have conformed to the shape of your body. But nowadays my jeans are forcing my body to shape to them, so that by the end of jeans day my belly is invariably red and sore from a waistband not intended to fit an "apple". Now I understand what my mother - who was always on a diet - meant.

 

Tomorrow I weigh myself. I promised myself I would not jump on the scale more than once a week, but tomorrow is the day and I hope, I hope, I hope that I see progress. It's been just over a week and although I have persevered with my diet, I have not stuck to it strictly. I have increased my activity level, mind you - from none to some! - but tomorrow will show if I have made any difference by staying more or less on this regime.

 

I think I have. I cannot fool myself into thinking that my waistbands are looser...or at this point, perhaps I should describe that as "less strangling"...because they're not. But my enormous "apple" of fat seems, amusingly enough, to have shrunk in at the sides. It sticks out just as far, but is perhaps smaller in diameter. And my arms seem to be a bit thinner! I measured myself before I bought my scale, but found the tally of inches too mortifying to post. But maybe I will measure myself tomorrow as well, and if the results are encouraging I might post them too.

 

My diet buddy had a great week, bless her heart, and we both agreed that it is easier to persevere if you know the diet is working. If mine is not working, I will keep going and try to stop dallying with bags of chips and racks of ribs! But it sure would feel good to see the scale needle stop below 208 tomorrow. I would say "Wish me luck" but it's not that luck that's required! And really, what I want is to love pulling on my jeans again, and zipping them up easily. I want my jeans to be comfort clothing again. I want my jeans to be my friends.

 

Oinkery or Equilibrium?

Last night I went for dinner with a woman I knew from high school, and her ten-year-old son. As we are both on budgets, we went to Swiss Chalet, and had a very pleasant conversation. And I ate a huge dinner - 1/4 chicken (dark meat) and a 1/2 slab of ribs, along with fries and a small pot of coleslaw, and then to cap it all off I ate half of a very rich chocolate fudge cake for dessert. The cake was to hush up a longing for a restaurant dessert, since I can't eat most of them as they contain either cream, ice cream or cinnamon. But the meat - oh that was the real treat. I ate every scrap of it, fat and all.

And today I feel not like I pigged out, but as if I restored some sort of equilibrium to my body. I cannot feel that I am getting enough protein on the CFG. Grains, sure, plenty. Fruits and veg, way more than I am accustomed to eating, though it feels odd not to think of them as 'free'. Dairy, I'd enjoy more but don't feel any real need for more. But meat - oh my goat. I think I found my carnivore escape clause, and it is called "rank defiance of the guidelines"!

I went for a walk at lunchtime yesterday with a colleague. A very pleasant walk, but the shoes I had on blistered my feet nicely. Mules for me today! Because I can't bear to spend a day chafing those blisters on my heels. And hopefully it will be hot enough today that I can swim after work.

Time to go make my breakfast, lunch, snack....

First Period

I got my period last night, which perhaps explains why I caved in and had junk food at work yesterday afternoon. I note that apart from 3 g of saturated fat in Miss Vickie's sea salt and malt vinegar potato chips and 0 g in the sea salt and vinegar baked pita chips, there is very little to choose between the two. But the saturated fat is definitely not something to have often.

 

Every woman in North America knows about those food cravings, I am sure! I am curious to see what my cravings are like next time - will a sustained healthy diet mean that my body has less "need" for grease and salt? And will it make a difference to my menstrual cramps? Taking a daily calcium/magnesium pill (up to 1000 mg Ca) makes my cramps non-existent, but I always forget to keep taking the supplements. Will a balanced diet eliminate the need for Ca/Mg? I'm not getting enough daily calcium yet, according to the EATracker, so probably not.

 

My new Lush products were a considerable comfort to me yesterday before bed. I was very tired, from walking around the store for 90 minutes in mules (gives your legs a great toning since you have to grip with your toes to keep your shoes on), a day spent working on trying to find funding for a work project and an evening where I watched the "maximum science" Quantum Edition of What The Bleep Do We Know?, working to make sure I fully grasped the explanations of quantum physics, etc. I was physically and mentally fatigued. So the clean smells of Lush in the bath helped quiet my brain and make me ready for bed.

 

I haven't begun to plan my day's meals yet! Must think about that while in the shower.

 

Day Five: The "Final" Verdict

I'm up to 1902 kcal in energy versus 2827 kcal energy expenditure. Not too bad, though the tracker doesn't have avocado in it yet for some unfathomable reason. I am presently substituting a whole raw pear for half an avocado pear, and will go back and adjust each day's menu once avocado is added in.

Day Six

Despite my excellent progress yesterday, I had two unused portions - one grain, one fruit or veg. And by bedtime, I was starving and couldn't resist the urge to eat them. I had a second half-avocado and a slice of seven grain bread...and an over-the-daily-limit tablespoon of mayonnaise. And ohhhhh - it was SO GOOD. I will put them in the tracker and see how much difference they made to my tally.

I am tired this morning, after getting to sleep late and then having a bad dream before waking. Sleep makes a difference to weight loss, and I did go to bed on time; I just wasn't ready to sleep. The tracker talks about limiting my intake of coffee. Yes, well. One huge step at a time! I need my morning caffeine.

I haven't pulled together my meal plan yet, but I expect it will be another breakfast sandwich, snack of avocado, lunch salad, snack of cherries, and then dinner with the last of the chicken. I am not creative in the mornings! Especially while I am still on my first cup of coffee. I may start making my lunches and such the night before.

I wonder if that, too, will become easier? I am not a big fan of fiddly food prep. Measuring and counting and slicing and chopping. But it's been less than a week. Gosh, do you think maybe patience might help?

And So Ends Day Five

I went to the mall this evening, and spent a long, wistful time browsing in the Lush store. Their products haven't become less expensive over the years, but I enjoy them. But more than that, I realized that I was craving a form of comfort to replace food - some kind of comfort to make me feel better about my weight and the hard slog I seem to have embarked upon.

I went away and did a fair bit of walking around Metrotown, which is big enough to give a decent workout. New stores had appeared, old favourites had vanished, and there was no shortage of skimpy outfits on plastic models in the windows. I actually found that motivational - seeing all the things I can wear once I get back down to a better weight.

But in the end I returned to Lush and acquired a facial mask and a wonderfully scented soap. $20 - no more than a bucket of KFC, for sure! The salesgirl was totally understanding about what it's like beginning a diet (she wasn't a twig either, bless her, which is why I felt able to admit that I was needing some kind of boost during the early days of deprivation), and asked what diet I was doing. I think I'm the only person I know who is following the Canada Food Guide instead of Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig or LA Fitness or South Beach or .

Then I came home with aching feet and plugged the last of my day's food and exercise into a brand new tracker I've found that works with the Canada Food Guide, www.eatracker.ca - good news! I ate 1616 kcal of food, but my estimated energy requirements were 2827 kcal.

Now I'm going to put my feet up, watch a movie and try to drink some of my 64 daily ounces of water. I was so wrapped up in a work project today that I totally forgot to drink any water, though I remembered my snacks and meals.

I am feeling slightly encouraged, all things considered. Yes. Better.

Day Five

I managed not to gorge myself on roast chicken last night, and later walked for 35 minutes. One thing I have noticed is that "it all counts" - half an hour of gentle walking daily will start to slim down my waistline. And I saw while out that the pool in my complex is now open. If this hot weather continues, I can cool off and still manage to keep moving. It's been a bit less scorching the past few days, I am thankful to say. It's hard to exercise when just sitting still makes you feel overheated!

But at 208 pounds (and I still want to shriek with horror every time I say that number to myself), and knowing you have to burn 3500 calories to lose one pound of fat, it seems to me that I need to start exercising now if I want to lose a pound a week and be down to 150 pounds in just over a year - 58 weeks, to be exact.

I'm still looking for the carnivore escape clause, but I have to concede that there may not be one. Let's see, today's meal plan:
B: cheese sandwich
S: 1/2 avocado
L: salad with chicken
S: 20 cherries
D: cold chicken and whatever, depending how hot my apartment is - maybe steamed green beans

All portioned and measured, of course. Whee.

Day Three, Day Four, and The Terminator movies

Yesterday I went over to the mall to get my hair cut, and hit the food court beforehand to have my mid-morning snack. There were healthy choices there, but in the end, in a burst of rebellion, I had a regular poutine from New York Fries. I planned to adjust my intake for the rest of the day accordingly, of course, but by no stretch of the imagination can poutine be considered healthy or slimming.

I got my hair cut by the same young guy as always. The scalp massage he gave me when applying conditioner was blissful, and afterwards he brought me coffee and a cookie (tsk tsk, I know, but he said he wanted to give me a treat) to consume while he trimmed my hair. And, of course, he chatted with me - how was dating going? I said I've decided I am very happy being single. He asked if I had been going to the gym, as I tugged my top down over my rolls of belly fat for the millionth time that day. No, I replied, but I have begun a diet - I'm on Day Three. His response was suitably tactful, and we moved on to other topics, though he did urge me to go for a walk to burn off my poutine.

Afterwards I searched The Bay and then Zellers for a bathroom scale. I finally found the scales at Zellers, and chose a $10 one. I didn't want to spend a lot on it in case it needed replacing from, you know, being hurled across the room or something. Then I acquired the first three Terminator movies in a 3/$20 deal, and took all my loot home.

Now, I am 5'11", and my weight has been going up and down since the 1980s. Before now I think the most I have ever weighed was 170 pounds, though I prefer to be around 145 to 150 when I can manage it. This time, however, I knew I had gained more than usual, and thought I might be as high as 190. Thus suitably braced - or so I thought - I stepped onto the scale.

208 pounds. Oh. My. Goat.

The 200 pound mark is the one you read about in those online stories about how some woman gained weight and became the mockery of the neighbourhood. Her dog stopped loving her, children ran away from her shrieking in terror, and every time she swam in the ocean someone reported a whale sighting, as she went shooting past 200 pounds and reached 350 in a matter of days. Then she found a new religion called Diet and Exercise, and now she's a celebrity and people strew rose petals before her feet everywhere she goes.

But it all began when she passed the 200 pound mark. Clearly I need to stick to this diet and start adding exercise, or I too will soon be 350 pounds. Because that's how it happens.

I did not diet for the rest of the day yesterday, because I was depressed and needed comfort food. I didn't gorge myself, but I sure as heck didn't eat any fruits and vegetables either. Starch and protein, my faves.

I presently feel about my excess weight the way Kyle Reese described the first Terminator machine: It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity. Or remorse.

So today I am back on the diet, even though I still want comfort food. Clearly I need to find some other form of comfort, though what I am really craving is a huge roast chicken gorge, with my own way of roasting the chicken to keep it juicy. I will save my two daily portions of meat for the chicken I do in fact plan to make tonight, but that will be it for the day. No more cheating - because my fat doesn't feel pity, or sympathy, or remorse, and cannot be bargained with. Time to terminate it.

And So Ends Day Two

My diet buddy literally gave me an "atta girl!" for sticking to my diet last night, bless her. In lieu of a medal or canonization, that will do just fine. She asked how I got past the trouble spot, and I said that first I vented on my blog, and then I had a cold bath, after which I read till I slept. I suppose the moral of the story is to distract myself till the danger is past! I didn't wake up any hungrier than usual, and I concede that some of the hunger pangs may have been psychological. Yes, and we all know that emotion has nothing to do with hunger, right? Right?

My diet buddy has been dieting for two weeks and believes she is past the worst of it, which I find very encouraging. She also loaned me a book from the Keep It Simple Series called K-I-S-S Guide to Weight Loss, which I look forward to reading this weekend. One of my own favourites is Paul McKenna's I Can Make You Thin. The book is good and certainly takes the agony of dieting away, but the real prize is the CD that comes with the book, which uses NLP and hypnotherapy to induce healthy change in your eating patterns. I think I will start listening to it again...though I will stay on the Canada Food Guide plan. For now!

My buddy and I agreed that the weekend is a dangerous time for dieting, because it feels so freeing to reach Friday. But it's rather like a 12-step program - "one day at a time." I can't think about the dismal prospect of never gorging on KFC or an enormous steak again. I just won't have them today...drat it.

I forgot my afternoon snack but will add the avocado to my sandwich, which I really must go make and eat. Paul McKenna talks about never eating until you are truly hungry, and I should try that instead of my standardized meal times. I eat at my desk anyhow, so it's not like I will miss the chance to eat lunch if I hold off.

All right - let the weekend commence! Without fried chicken.

Day Two

I learned two valuable lessons last night:

1. Don't plan meals that require genuine cooking for a swelteringly hot day, and

2. It is in fact possible to go to sleep while feeling hungry.

I was taught to loathe cooking at a young age, when any cooking or food preparation I did was invariably done in exile in the kitchen while other family members were relaxing and watching tv. Nor did I get much teaching on how to cook, and I certainly was not encouraged to exercise my creativity in my meat-potatoes-one veg family.

I am not casting blame on my parents; they did the best they could. But to this day I have a low tolerance for food preparation and for making dishes that require attention. The thing that has made my diet plan tolerable (more on that in a minute) is the exercise of creativity. What do I have, what fresh items do I need to use up, how can I juggle my portions to make sure I have something like protein or fat at every meal so I don't starve in between?

My diet plan is actually very simple and - bonus! - free: it's the Canada Food Guide (http://www.hc-sc.gc.ca/fn-an/food-guide-aliment/index-eng.php). My nutritionist in Calgary recommended it, with one modification; rather than 7 - 8 grains a day, I should eat only 5 for weight loss. She also said I can, for example, save both meat servings for one meal so I can eat a small steak for dinner.

The advice in the Canada Food Guide seems both sound and sustainable, but - well, let me put it this way. I have had times when I craved protein so badly I had to get out of bed and make myself a steak. The only time I have ever craved vegetables was when I was on the Atkins diet, which told me that if a carnivore like me was craving vegetables, this was obviously a bad food plan, and I dropped it at once. And have you ever noticed how many supplements they recommend?!

It will do me no harm to enhance my fruit and vegetable intake, for sure. As for carbs, well, I enjoy them, but I feel they find their true purpose in life when used as a vehicle for conveying fat and protein into my mouth. Cutting back to 5 portions of grains isn't that hard. But 2 portions of meat the size of a deck of cards? And trimming all visible fat to make sure the meat is as dry as possible? They have got to be kidding me. Isn't there some kind of carnivore escape clause?!

Some diets allow you indulgences, like so many points to use each week on one "bad" item like a doughnut, or one day out of ten when you are allowed to relax the rules. I will stick to the CFG for now, but I may have to build in some sort of "gotta have it" clause once I have settled in to this new way of eating and can see what cravings I am still having. The point of making a lifestyle change rather than going on some fad diet is that the change is sustainable. Don't make me go out on the African veldt and start bringing down wildebeest with my bare flippin' hands just to prove I need more protein.

Well, on with Day Two. Here is my meal plan for the day:
Breakfast: 2 slices bread, 1 portion cheddar, 1 tbsp margarine, 1 tsp whole grain mustard (a sandwich, of course - the mustard gives it some zip)
Snack: 1/2 avocado that I didn't eat yesterday
Lunch: Leftovers - 1 portion pork, 3.5 servings broccoli/cauliflower mix, 1 portion brown rice
Snack: 1/2 avocado (the fat keeps me going - something like an apple actually makes me hungrier as it gives me a sugar crash)
Dinner: another sandwich - 2 slices bread, 1 portion ham, 1 portion cheddar, 1 tbsp mayo, 1 tsp mustard, 1 cup salad greens, 1 tomato, 1 serving cucumber. Hey, at least I don't have to cook it!

And So Ends Day One

I ate an apple to keep myself from devouring everything in sight. Then I made the rice and ate my allotment, portioning the rest into containers. Next I put vegetables on to steam since I had nothing worth stir-frying, and cooked my pork in a frying pan with a tiny bit of olive oil, lots of Herbes de Provence and a generous sprinkling of salt. I ate my serving of the pork and set the rest aside for lunch tomorrow. I dealt similarly with the broccoli/cauliflower mix when it was done.

Then I cleaned up the kitchen, and as a final act of bravery, I ran the dishwasher. Never mind the "atta girl," I think I deserve a medal. Or quite possibly canonization. Why? Because during this dinner time I believe I sweated off my entire 64 ounces of water plus the extra I drank after that. I am still trickling sweat. And what is worse - I'm still hungry.

I know that at first this diet will require a certain amount of toughing it out. I know my stomach will shrink as I continue to eat moderate portions. But it seems profoundly unfair that my stomach feels hollow with hunger when I have just finished eating my dinner. Maybe my 20 minutes isn't up yet? Maybe if I drink a lot of water it will actually work to suppress my hunger pangs?

Nobody wave a roast chicken in front of my nose, okay? You might lose your fingers in the feeding frenzy that would ensue.

Eight Eights

I am assured by those who drink their 64 ounces of water on a daily basis that eventually said water will stop going directly from the throat into the bladder and will proceed normally through the alimentary canal. In the meantime, I suppose it provides me with regular exercise as I trot to and from the Ladies.

Water is a fine thing for the dieter. Its supposed ability to suppress hunger pangs is purest horse hockey, but water is needed for the biochemical process that breaks down fat cells in the body. I would be mightily annoyed at myself if I failed to lose weight due to dehydration, so here I am, gamely chugging down more fluid.

But ye goats, eight 8-ounce glasses? I looked at my measuring cup today, and yes, 8 ounces is one cup. It didn't look that bad, actually. But after struggling to keep downing water all day, I have only just now finished my 64. I have no doubt that it is good for me, especially since we are in the middle of a heat wave, but isn't there some way to flavour the stuff?! Forget Crystal Lite; I want something with zero calories that makes my water taste like an icy cold beer.

Well, that and a winning lottery ticket, and as soon as I get that I will hire a cook and a personal trainer. Self-discipline? Yes, that's that trait you pay other people to have on your behalf.

I must admit it hasn't been too bad so far today, though I am presently very hungry, most likely due to the fact that I completely forgot to eat the avocado half that was supposed to keep me from reaching this state. You know, the one where you will eat anything at hand as long as it doesn't require prep time. I'm not ashamed to confess that I have had popcorn for dinner before, and I'd be having it again tonight except I don't want to blow my diet out of the water on the first day.

Cheddar and olives also make a very tasty "feed me NOW" dinner-snack-thing. Or most of a tub of roasted garlic hummus with rice crackers. According to the Canada Food Guide, hummus counts as a protein. Who knew? I thought at least I was eating my vegetables. Sigh.

I suppose I should get my brown rice cooking since it takes 45 minutes. Maybe I'll eat less of that and have some bread in the meantime. With...a serving of vegetables to replace my avocado, since my remaining protein and fat servings are being saved for dinner. Whee. Why did I plan a stir-fry for dinner when my apartment is over 90 F? Why, why, why? Obviously a decision I made when I was both cool and well-fed.

Day One

For some months now, ever since taking a job which absolutely required stress eating as an alternative to ending up naked on the roof with a deer rifle, I have looked like ten pounds of sausage stuffed into a five-pound skin. The job has changed, but the bulges have been my constant companion. They are more loyal than a dog and more annoying than the most recent Hollywood starlet complaining about how her attractiveness keeps her from being taken seriously as an actor.

On Monday I was chatting with my boss, who recently began her own diet, and as a result of our talk I ended up writing for her five or so pages of dieting tips I have learned over the years. She was kind enough not to tell me to keep my helpfulness to myself, and we had a great conversation about how some people don't understand the struggle it can be to lose weight and to exercise. I added that the first thing I want to do when I feel like someone is judging me harshly for my weight is to reach for the comfort food!

I will state it here for the record - Skinny People of the World, take note! - hints that I could stand to lose some weight, start working out, and buy some clothing that decently shrouds my unsightly fat DON'T HELP. Do you really think I failed to notice that my "mushroom top" has expanded into a "mushroom cloud", or that my waistbands have turned into tourniquets and my thighs appear to be trying to meld themselves into one unit?

Anyhow, although it goes against my grain to let the Skinny People of the World (SPWs) think that their snide remarks may have induced me to diet (when in fact sheer rebellion against their hurtful attitude has kept me over-consuming), I have nonetheless begun the "lifestyle change" required to shed my extra weight. This blog is my way of blowing off steam about the discomfort and inconvenience associated with those changes. Yes, I need to lose weight and no, it's not going to get any easier if I hold off.

Now get me a pizza and a tub of KFC.